


No more

by softshumjr



Category: Shadowhunters (TV)
Genre: Angst, Angst with a Happy Ending, Blood, Depression, Edom Angst (Shadowhunter Chronicles), Feelings, Implied/Referenced Torture, M/M, Sad with a Happy Ending, Suicidal Thoughts, They love each other so much, getting deeper into reasons of why magnus said yes to his father, getting deeper into what alec felt after magnus left, magnus bane is so powerful, they will always find each other and save each other
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-03-30
Updated: 2018-03-30
Packaged: 2019-04-14 18:53:30
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 10,131
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/14142387
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/softshumjr/pseuds/softshumjr
Summary: The story of why Magnus said yes to his father. The story of what Alec felt when Magnus was gone. The story of how they saved each other.





	No more

**Author's Note:**

> i've been thinking of writing this fic for some time now. it felt really important to me to get deeper into what they both would feel. i hope i gave justice to it.
> 
> if you're easily triggered by suicide thoughts or depression or bad coping mechanisms, this is a fic that you should probably avoid. be careful.
> 
> a huge thank you to magnus bane isn't smol squad. you've been such a huge motivation and help in making this fic happen, it wouldn't have been a thing without you. i love you lots!
> 
> you can find me on tumblr [@harryshmjr](http://harryshmjr.tumblr.com)

Alec noticed a black portal opening in the middle of a battlefield, red smoke surrounding it. And then a guy stepped through it. He was tall, so freakishly tall. Alec was tall, he knew that, but the person who had stepped through the portal was much taller than him. He was wearing a black suit with a black shirt, silver cufflinks with shiny diamonds caught his eyes. They were very masculine and at the same time they screamed ‘Look at me!’ and Alec could’ve sworn he recognised the style from somewhere.

He held his seraph blade firmly in his hand, the distance too small to use his bow and arrows. He was breathing hard, they were surrounded by all kinds of demons. And it was only him and Magnus, he couldn’t see Izzy or Clary or Jace anywhere.

The moment the man stepped through the portal he could hear Magnus’ breath hitch. He looked at him and Magnus’ arms dropped, sparks of magic around his fingers disappearing. And he couldn’t understand why Magnus would stop in that moment, they had to fight, they couldn’t just give up. What was about this guy that would make Magnus give up so easily?

“Magnus!” he yelled and ran towards his boyfriend. “What is it?”

But Magnus wouldn’t look at him, he was staring at the man, the terror written all over his face.

“Father…” he breathed out.

He was shaking and breathing hard now and Alec was so surprised he wasn’t sure what he was supposed to do. 

They talked about Magnus’ father, not much because it was a very painful subject for Magnus. But Alec knew. When Lorenzo brought the subject, Magnus finally revealed truth about his father. In that moment, Alec could tell that Magnus’ life was permanently affected by Asmodeus. But only much later Magnus told him the whole truth and Alec’s heart broke into a million pieces. He wanted to be there for Magnus in the past, make sure to let him know that he wasn’t alone, but he couldn’t. There was nothing he could do to change the past.

He put his hand on Magnus’ shoulders, trying to reach out to him but it was like Magnus, his Magnus, was gone in a second and Alec didn’t know how to bring him back.

“Hello, my son,” Asmodeus smirked and raised his hand lazily.

An invisible force wrapped around Alec’s neck and suddenly he couldn’t breathe. He dropped his hand from Magnus’ shoulders and instinctively reached his neck, trying to catch a breath and failing. 

The seconds were going slowly, oxygen not reaching his brain anymore. The seraph blade dropped from his other hand, an unnaturally loud sound in the middle of a battle. It felt like they were surrounded by an invisible force field that nothing could get through. He could see everything happening around them, but nobody came close to them.

“Leave him alone!” he heard Magnus screaming with so much hatred and then a ball of red magic was thrown into Asmodeus’ direction.

It barely touched the demon. The greater demon. The Prince of Hell. Ruler of Edom. Magnus’ father. But it was enough for him to stop choking Alec. At least for now.

No other demon touched them. Nobody dared coming near Asmodeus. He could do whatever he pleased with them. They couldn’t count on any help from their friends either, they were on their own.

Asmodeus fixed wrinkles on his suit that showed up after Magnus’ attack and a second later his suit looked impeccable again. He stood up straight, barely bothered by Magnus’ attempts to fight with him. He knew he was powerful and he knew he had complete control over the situation.

Alec had a feeling Magnus could absolutely fight with Asmodeus as his equal. His magic was strong, he saw that over and over again when they were working together or fighting by each other’s side. But Magnus’ insecurities about his family, about what Asmodeus had done to his mother, about what Magnus’ mother had done to herself and how he blamed himself for everything, they had made him doubt himself and not believe that he could defeat his father.

“Time to go, son,” Asmodeus said quietly and yet his voice made Alec shiver. He tried grabbing his seraph blade again, but with another flick of his wrist, Asmodeus threw it away somewhere onto the battlefield. “Don’t test me, _Nephilim_ ,” he said finally looking at Alec, his voice calm yet terrifying. 

His eyes looked like cat eyes, just like Magnus’, clearly Magnus inherited his demon mark after his father. Yet they were nothing like Magnus’ at all. Magnus’ cat eyes were warm, almost shining, even when he fought with his enemies. There was something good about them and Alec felt in love with them the moment Magnus showed them to him. They were beautiful and so was Magnus. While Asmodeus’ eyes were scary, pure demon eyes, filled with emptiness, bringing misery and destruction. Even when they were shining, you could feel darkness spreading around you, creeping under your skin.

And a second later Alec was being choked again, gasping for air. And he wasn’t standing on the ground anymore, he was being lifted. Asmodeus looked like he was barely bothered by this, the act of attacking Alec was probably a minor inconvenience for him.

His arm dropped and so did Alec, hitting the ground hard and losing consciousness.

***

Magnus ran towards Alec, checking if he was still alive. He could feel his blood boiling inside of him, his magic running through his veins, he was about to explode. But when he sent a small spark of his healing magic to help Alec, it was blue. Always blue, always making sure that Alec was okay.

“Who do you think you are?!” he shouted at his father and threw another ball of magic at him. This time it was red, filled with all his anger and sadness, all the pain that he had been through in his whole life. “This is my life! You’ve ruined enough of it!” Another ball of magic. “You can’t control me anymore!” Another ball of magic.

Asmodeus didn’t attack Magnus even once.

“Fight me!” Magnus was yelling, he could feel tears falling down his cheeks, not able to control his emotions in the presence of his father.

He could remember so clearly when he found his mother dead in her bed, keris still in her body. And how she was lying in the pool of her own blood. And how he screamed ‘Mama!’, trying to wake her up. And how much he felt the pain of her death, as if someone ripped his heart out of his chest and jumped on it right in front of his face, the pain that never really went away, never got easier, even after so many centuries. He could remember his step father walking on him only minutes later and blaming him for his mother’s death, when he called him a monster. That stayed with him, in his lowest moments he could see that as clearly as if it had happened a minute ago and he was back to being this 9 year old who had just lost his mother and his world had fallen apart.

And he could remember Asmodeus’ voice in his head, telling him how powerful he was and that he should just kill his step father because it was what he had deserved. Magnus unleashed on him, with all the magic he had, killing him on the spot. He would never forget his screams when he was burning alive right in front of Magnus’ eyes.

He blamed himself for that and yet he knew it was Asmodeus’ influence that made him do it. He was a child. Even when he was in control of his magic, he was still so susceptible. In spite of despising his step father, till this day it was his worst memory, something that he regretted ever since.

It was only the first time when Asmodeus created a memory that would haunt Magnus forever.

The first time Magnus saw Asmodeus, he was sure he was going to die. He did his research and found out that Asmodeus was killing his children one by one to gain more power. Magnus was the last one.

He didn’t die that day. But it still felt like he did.

Magnus was running away for decades, he had nobody. Nowhere was safe. He was afraid of every shadow that followed him around, he wouldn’t sleep because any noise made him wake up. He was constantly exhausted, tripping over his own feet. He didn’t have a home. Time was flying by and he was getting more and more scared.

He was alone, afraid, and poor. And on top of that, people around him were scared of him. Even if they didn’t know he was a warlock, he just didn’t fit it. There was just something about him that made people stay away from him when all Magnus wanted was to have one person who would make him believe that life was worth it.

Despite being able to control his magic, he knew he still had so much to learn and there was nobody who could help him, show him how to use his magic for good, how to control his emotions to never burst out and hurt someone.

He was moving all around the world, always on the run, always afraid that Asmodeus would come back and find him. That he would kill him.

But then he realised. Asmodeus didn’t have to kill him himself. He wanted Magnus to kill himself and Magnus was tired, he didn’t see any point of his existence. He couldn’t run anymore, he couldn’t live like that anymore. Not having a single soul willing to be by his side. He had no reason to exist anymore, nobody cared.

He went to England. He could barely speak English at that point, which didn’t help his situation. It had already been difficult for him to connect to anyone, now it was almost impossible. Not that anyone really tried reaching out.

He never learnt how to swim, he didn’t have anyone to show him how.

So he found a bridge. And he stood on the brink of it, just staring at the water, preparing himself to take the last step. Nobody would miss him. It was such an easy decision.

And then he jumped, his eyes closed. And finally, in that second, he felt as if he was free, taking control over his life. He was miserable and dying would finally mean peace and quiet, away from his father’s reach. He didn’t know if there was anything waiting for him after death, maybe it would just be darkness and nothingness, but it was still a better alternative.

But suddenly he felt strong magic pulling him back, sitting him on the ground. And he wasn’t falling anymore, everything was moving in slow motion. He heard someone running towards him, suddenly he felt so ashamed.

“What the hell were you thinking?” a voice with a heavy English accent was yelling at him. “You could’ve died!”

Magnus looked at the man. He noticed his green skin and horns on his head immediately. He started crying and he couldn’t stop. He was ready to die, give his father what he wanted. But this man saved him. Someone cared. In that moment, a glimpse of hope reached his heart and everything that was building inside of him, leading him to this point, it was too overwhelming. 

He was sitting on the ground, his face buried between his knees, tears falling down.

“Oh my sweet boy,” the man dropped to his knees and hugged him.

Magnus hadn’t been hugged since his mother death, he was so touch starved it felt foreign to him, to be held in someone’s arms, and yet there was nothing he needed more in his life.

Meeting Ragnor saved him. With time he stopped running away. He met Catarina, a long time friend of Ragnor’s, and the three of them were inseparable. He started building his life in England and then decided to move to America. He finally allowed himself to be happy, he finally allowed himself to have a home.

When Camille broke him, he could feel Asmodeus’ voice creeping inside of him yet again, it would be so easy to turn evil. Life was nothing but a heartache, wasn’t it? And he knew how powerful he was, he could get anything he wanted to, he could hurt anyone standing in his way. 

But he managed to build walls around his heart, it made the heart ache a little bit less. Ragnor helped him to gain control over his life and his magic, he helped him deal with being the son of the Prince of Hell. He showed him how to love life, with its ups and downs. 

Emotions were always difficult for any Downworlder, demon blood was cursing through their veins faster, making it so much harder to resist. But Magnus knew he had to try. And he had nothing to lose. He enjoyed the pleasures of contemporary world, but he didn’t want to become his father. So shutting off, not allowing himself to feel anymore, it was perfect. He wasn’t afraid anymore. Or so he thought.

Everything changed when he met Alec. Before Alec he might’ve not been afraid anymore, but he didn’t feel many good things either. He was mostly observing the life happening in front of him, he would convince himself that it was enough. However, when Alec walked into Pandemonium and killed that Circle member, something inside of Magnus awoke. And it scared the hell out of him. He hadn’t felt that type of fear in a long, long time.

He fell in love. More than with anyone before in his entire life. It made him the happiest person, he felt like he could fly. It also made him so scared again. The thought of losing Alec was unbearable. He didn’t deal well with people leaving him, whether it was by their choice or not. It made Magnus believe even more that he wasn’t worth it.

And here they were, right here in the battle field. Magnus sending his red magic at Asmodeus who wasn’t moving except for shielding himself from the attacks, a smirk on his face. The smirk that Magnus wanted to wipe out of his face.

Alec was slowly gaining consciousness. Magnus felt like a heavy weight was lifted from his chest. He could breathe more properly but the anger was filling his whole being with even bigger force. He was putting everything into those attacks, all his anger, the darkness that filled his life for far too long, leaving him with scars that would never heal, not for real. No matter how hard he tried, no matter how many centuries have passed, some things would just never leave him.

He was getting weaker.

He dropped to his knees.

“Magnus,” Alec breathed out and knelt down by his side, helping him not to fall down completely. He sounded worried, when just a second ago he wasn’t even conscious.  
Asmodeus took couple of steps in their direction, he was standing right above them now. He brushed off the non-existent dust from the sleeve of his jacket. He was calm, like he wasn’t just attacked with incredibly powerful magic.

“I have to hand it to you, you lasted longer that I had thought. But you’re just too stupid, aren’t you? Always acting on your emotions,” he said and reached to touch Magnus’ cheek.

Darkness was filling him up. The rest of his magic burning inside of him, a demonic force awakening inside of him, making him relive all his memories from the time he was on the run. And he screamed, despite trying not to. Because he didn’t care about the physical pain, but the pain he had to go through before meeting Ragnor was too much. The feeling of being alone, of nobody caring about him was back and he couldn’t fight it anymore. He needed it to stop, it had to stop, it had to.

“Stop it!” Alec yelled. “What do you want?!”

Asmodeus took his hand back and Magnus tried to catch his breath. His thoughts went immediately to Alec’s almost wedding. To the moment when Alec chose him, despite everything and everyone. Alec cared about him, Alec loved him, Alec was there, right next to him. Magnus could breathe again, even if for a second. Alec’s love was the only thing helping him not to give in.

“You do not get to talk to me, haven’t I made myself clear? Next time you won’t just pass out,” he hissed at Alec and to make his point even more obvious, he broke Alec’s arm with a snap of his fingers.

Alec didn’t scream, he only flinched. As a Shadowhunter he was used to injuries. It didn’t make it okay, though. Magnus couldn’t stand to watch the love of his life being tortured, or worse, that it was happening because of him. Alec meant everything to him and all of this was his fault. Alec would’ve probably never had to face Asmodeus if he didn’t know Magnus.

“Don’t,” Magnus said quietly, not looking at his father. “Please.”

Asmodeus chuckled. “Do as I say then. Come to Edom with me, we have so much… to talk about. Or don’t,” he tilted his head, “and the Shadowhunter dies. Painfully. Your choice.”

Magnus lost the ability to breathe yet again. It felt like someone punched him in the chest and his lungs collapsed. Going with Asmodeus was the last thing he wanted, he was scared. So fucking scared. And feeling like a child again, a child that didn’t know how to protect himself. Deep inside of him, he knew he was strong, but his brain wouldn’t let him accept that. Right there, in front of Asmodeus, he felt like nothing. But knowing that Alec’s death would be completely his fault, he couldn’t let that happen. He didn’t care what would happen to him, as long as Alec was okay, he would do anything, even face his father.

Alec reached out to him and put the hand of his not broken arm on Magnus’ cheek. He was cupping it gently. “Magnus, no. You can’t. We can fight him,” he begged. His eyes were teary, and he was trying to fight the tears off. Magnus’ heart broke into a million pieces.

He shook his head. “We can’t. I used almost all of my magic. I’m no match for him. I never was.” He could feel tears running down his cheek as well. “I have to go, I can’t let him hurt you again. Never again,” he said firmly.

Asmodeus sighed loudly. “Honestly, Magnus? You’re willing to sacrifice yourself for a mortal? And a _Shadowhunter_? His kind wants you dead,” he spit out the words. “And I thought you were the smartest of all my children. Maybe you deserve to suffer.”

The words of his father cut him deep, the feeling of being scared and unloved and unworthy came back with a stronger force. He couldn’t breathe, he couldn’t speak, he couldn’t live. All he knew was that he would do anything to save Alec. He loved Alec so much. His love for Alec was the only thing that kept him alive in that moment.

“Magnus, please don’t listen to him,” Alec tried reaching out to him. “You can’t go with him.” Magnus could see tears in Alec’s eyes, he wasn’t able to fight them anymore. All of this was too much, for both of them.

The love of his life, the man who would rarely allow himself to show that he was in pain unless it was in front of Magnus. The man who trusted him so completely and who changed his life, awakening him, making him feel again. Making him feel love that he had never experienced before, that he didn't even think was possible.

Magnus stood up slowly, Alec still on his knees, his arm dropping like a limp.

Asmodeus opened a black portal that was surrounded with red smoke. It felt as if it was only the three of them there. It was so silent except for the silent buzz of an open portal and Alec’s heavy breathing.

“Magnus, please-“ he said and tried to stand up.

Magnus smiled weakly, looking at Alec and trying to remember his face because he knew it was the last time he would see it. He would either die in Edom or be tortured for eternity, which would technically make him alive physically, but it would kill him inside for good. So if he had to face it, he wanted to remember every detail of Alec’s face. His beautiful hazel eyes, his full lips that he wished he had a chance to kiss one last time.

He was ready to go if it meant Alec would be safe from Asmodeus’ arms.

“ _Aku cinta kamu, Alexander_ ,” he said and went through a portal with his father.

***

The portal closed in a matter of seconds and Magnus was gone. Magnus was actually gone. In Edom with his father, a Prince of Hell, who abused him for centuries and made him afraid and insecure, who made him doubt the sense of his existence. And Alec just let that happen. He knew all of it was his fault, Magnus only agreed because he didn’t want Alec to get hurt in the process and Alec didn’t care what might have happened to him, he couldn’t stand the thought of Magnus being anywhere near his father.

_Magnus was gone._

Alec dropped to his knees. The silence around him was deafening. And then suddenly it was loud again and he could hear screaming, and blades, and someone was calling his name.

“Alec! Are you okay?” Izzy was next to him. “We couldn’t get to you, there was this weird smoke and nobody could get through, not even demons. I’ve never seen anything like that before.”

It didn’t look like any smoke from his side but who cared anymore.

_Magnus was gone._

“Where’s Magnus?” she asked, clearly worried.

“He’s-“ Alec’s voice hitched, tears almost falling down his cheek again, “he’s gone.”

“What do you mean he’s gone?” She was confused and Alec would explain except he couldn’t. He couldn’t make a coherent sentence.

_Magnus was gone._

“Izzy, I can’t- he’s-“

He was opening his mouth, trying to talk to his sister. But all he could think about was Magnus walking through that portal and saying something that Alec didn’t understand because it wasn’t even in English. What did Magnus say to him? What if it was important? His last words and Alec didn’t even know what they meant.

The thought of Magnus actually not being in their dimension was finally sinking in.

His fists clenched, he hissed at the pain in his broken arm, but he didn’t care.

“Alec, what happened here?”

He stood up, a seraph blade in his healthy hand.

He rarely fought with his left hand, but since his right one was broken, he didn’t have a choice. He slayed his way through any demon that stood in his way. There was no mercy for anyone. He needed to get to Catarina, she would get him to Magnus. She had to.

She was in a tent, treating someone with her magic, always helping anyone who required her help. Alec could see why she became Magnus' best friend all those centuries ago.

Cat noticed him immediately. Alec must’ve been covered in blood and ichor, he wasn’t sure how many demons he killed on his way to her.

“Are you hurt? Are you okay? Where’s Magnus?” she was asking while checking for any wounds on him and healing his broken arm in couple of seconds. “That was made with magic. Dark, dark magic,” she said, looking right at him. “What happened?”

The pain in Alec’s chest grew with every second, it was like the information about Magnus leaving was cutting deeper and deeper into him, making him bleed inside and there was nothing he could do to stop it, it felt as if this wound would never stop bleeding, not until Magnus was back safe and sound. All he could do was go to Edom and get Magnus back.

“I need to get to Edom,” he replied without much of an explanation.

Catarina took a step back. She was scared, Alec could tell. And he had never seen her like that before. She was one of the strongest warlocks that Alec met in his life. She was brave and loyal, she would do anything for her friends. 

“He came back for him,” she whispered and sat down on a small chair. “After all those centuries.” She put a hand on her lips and was shaking her head, not able to believe it.

Alec couldn’t believe it either. Maybe it was just a nightmare, a horrible nightmare that would be just gone as soon as he woke up. All he wanted was to wake up and find Magnus’ arms wrapped around him, breathing steadily against his neck, not fully awake yet.

“Catarina, please. I need to go to him. I can’t let him sacrifice himself for me. I can’t let him-“ he wasn’t ready to say the word, it couldn’t happen, he wouldn’t allow it.

“I can’t,” she shook her head. 

“What do you mean you can’t?” Alec almost yelled, he needed her help, now was not the time to deny him this one thing. He never asked for much and this was for Magnus, not for him.

Catarina stood up and put a hand on his arm. “I’m sorry. Maybe if I had the right spell and another source of energy I could try. But for now, I can’t. My magic isn’t enough,” she explained in a sad voice.

And finally it sank for good. Deep inside of him.

Magnus was gone. And there was nothing he could do about this.

***

Alec couldn’t bring himself to go back to the loft. Their home. It wasn’t their home anymore, not without Magnus. And the thought of going there and seeing all Magnus’ things, his books and clothes, it was too much. All the things that would remind him of the moments they shared together, now too painful because of Magnus being gone.

The helplessness of the situation was getting too much. He wasn’t sleeping, he wasn’t eating. He drank too much coffee and used stamina rune a lot, and he could feel tremors in his arm that Asmodeus had broken. He wasn’t sure if it was because of his magic or simply because of way too much caffeine in his system. 

He buried himself in books, trying to look for a spell that Catarina could use to make him a portal to Edom, hoping that he wouldn’t be too late. He made Izzy be temporary Head of the Institute, he couldn’t think about his responsibilities right now, not when he had to do everything to find Magnus. But he knew he couldn’t just abandon his people, it wasn't in his nature to leave people on their own.

It had been five days since Magnus stepped through that portal. Alec still had hope, even when it was connected with pain of missing Magnus and of that thought that maybe he would be too late. The pain wasn’t just physical, Alec hadn’t felt so broken in such a long time. Not since he met Magnus who brought so much happiness and light into his life. Now that he was gone, all of that was gone with him. Alec doubted he could ever get it back.

He fell asleep with his head on his desk in the office, his face buried in the book he was reading.

***

“Alec! Hey!” he heard a voice and he jumped in his chair, hand already reaching for his seraph dagger. “You had another nightmare,” Izzy’s calming voice brought him back to reality. She put her hand on his shoulder, she was rubbing small circles with her thumb.

He dreamt about going to Edom and finding Magnus’ body lying on the steps of Asmodeus’ palace. And he could hear the laugh of the Prince of Hell, crawling under his skin, ringing in his ears. He could still hear it, even after waking up, and all Alec wanted to do was to die right there, nothing mattered. Missing Magnus filled his whole being, he couldn’t live without Magnus.

“You’re okay, you're gonna be okay,” she said and hugged him tightly.

Alec was crying, not able to stop the tears from falling down, and the constant pain in his chest felt like a part of his soul was missing. 

And no, he never believed in soulmates, never believed that there was only one person for you out there and if you missed them, then you lost your chance. But Magnus was the love of his life, he just knew that. When Shadowhunters found someone, it was for life. He remembered his mother saying that to him when he was a child, right before going to sleep. She would tell him stories of how he would meet someone one day, someone who would love him as deeply as he would love them.

The words somehow lost their meaning when he looked at his parents’ marriage. They were never happy together. But when he thought about it, he realised one thing. His mother never really loved his father, she married him because she was fulfilling her duty of being a good Shadowhunter. It improved their careers, it brought three new Shadowhunters into this world, it made sense. She must have told him all those stories because it was something she wanted to believe in so badly, she was miserable with Robert, still hoping that she would meet someone who would love her one day. She was dreaming of loving and being loved, even if she would never allow herself to act on it.

But when Robert cheated on her, she was finally able to move on. So when Maryse fell in love with Luke, the words she had told him all those years ago had a meaning again. And he just knew that what Maryse found in Luke, he had found in Magnus. He never thought he could actually have it. He never thought that he would be allowed to be so openly in love with a man, that people would not only accept him, but be happy for him, that they would support him. He never thought that his actions could help people to come out as well and live openly, without it defining who they were.

And now Magnus was now in Edom with his father, tortured, suffering for no reason. Magnus was the kindest soul, all this pain he had been through only made him good.

Alec could see Asmodeus telling Magnus that he was worthless, that nobody would come for him because nobody cared enough. It wasn’t true, Alec needed Magnus to know that he would find him, even if it was in hell. He would walk through anything just to get to him.

“There’s nothing- I can’t find anything,” Alec’s voice was shaky.

“You’ll find it, you’ll get to him, Magnus knows you’re coming, I promise.”

Alec wanted to tell her that maybe he wouldn’t manage, he tried, it had been weeks, he was running out of books to read. What if Magnus-

***

Alec looked at himself in the mirror, he looked like shit but he didn’t care. He didn’t shave, he had bags under his eyes that were now always in the shade of red because he would cry way too often, not able to stop the tears from falling down, his skin was even more pale than usually. He was back to wearing only black colours. When he wasn’t doing research, he was going on every possible mission. He was filled with so much anger and sadness and killing demons was helping him to focus his thoughts on research. He was visiting other warlocks, asking about books that he might have not read yet.

And every second of every day he missed Magnus. After a mission, he would come back to his room in the Institute and slide against the door, just crying. Memories he made with Magnus still so fresh. What used to bring this warm, fluttering feeling inside his belly, what made his heart beat stronger and faster, now it only brought suffering and misery, and life lost his meaning.

Nothing made sense without Magnus.

He was brought back to reality with a ring of his phone. It was Catarina.

“Have you found anything?” he asked immediately.

“Alec, are you okay? I haven’t heard from you in such a long time. I’m worried about you.” She really sounded worried and Alec felt guilty. He meant to call her, he just forgot, too exhausted to think properly. “He- Magnus wouldn’t want you to lose yourself in a search for him,” she added more firmly.

“Well, he’s not here to say that, is he?” he replied bitterly, but he realised quickly that he shouldn’t treat Catarina this way, she missed Magnus just as much and she was doing everything in her power to find a way for Alec to get to Edom. “I’m sorry, I haven’t slept in… I don’t know how long.”

“I know.” She was sad and Alec hated that he was one of the reasons. “And I know you don’t want anyone to go to the loft, but Magnus has some books, some of them are one of a kind and I-“

Alec couldn’t stand anyone going there, it felt like violating Magnus’ privacy. It was his home and nobody had the right to go there if he couldn’t be there. It just didn’t feel right.

“Catarina, I just-“

She sighed loudly. “Look, I might have another lead. A warlock in Venezuela responded to my message and I am going to meet with her. But I still think you should go to the loft and see if there’s anything there in case I come back with nothing.”

She was right. She always was as Magnus used to say. You could always count on her advice, her logical thinking leaving no place for rush decisions. She was incredibly smart, centuries of her wisdom were grounding Alec in his search for Magnus.

And Alec meant to go to the loft, he tried almost every single day. He would reach as far as the front door but every time he couldn’t bring himself to open it. It was too painful. He physically couldn’t do it. He would stare at the door, wrapping arms around himself, having difficulties with swallowing. All memories with Magnus hitting him at the same time.

“I’ll go, I promise. Let me know as soon as you know anything from your source.”

“I will,” she promised and ended the call.

***

He was standing in front of the door to the loft. He was almost there. Magnus’ wards were gone with him not being in this realm and even that was reminding Alec that Magnus wasn't here anymore. Catarina put her own wards around the loft so nobody else could get in. He appreciated it.

The key was heavy in his pocket and he could remember the day when Magnus asked him to move in. He was so nervous, blurting the question out at the speed of light and Alec took his hand into his own and kissed him. It was the softest kiss, one of the many kisses they shared. And when he agreed, Magnus had the biggest and goofiest smile on his face and he was clapping his hands and he was so happy. They both were.

Alec closed his eyes and shook his head. None of this mattered anymore. Magnus wasn’t there, he couldn’t be because Alec couldn’t find one single spell. 

When Catarina mentioned she would need another energy source, he offered himself immediately. He’d done this multiple times with Magnus and he would give all of his energy if it meant saving Magnus. But Catarina almost smacked him on the head. “And who will go get him if you’re unconscious or worse, dead? Honestly, Shadowhunters… I’ll need at least three of you to have any chance at keeping the portal open. It’s not your ordinary portal.”

He opened the door and the loft looked like nothing had changed, even when everything changed because Magnus wasn’t there. The only visible thing he could notice was all furniture covered in dust because nobody was cleaning it, but this place always used to be so full of energy and it all vanished with Magnus.

He was hit with the familiarity of the place and yet nothing felt familiar about it anymore without Magnus. It wasn’t home anymore because Magnus was his home. In the end the place itself didn’t matter, as long as Magnus was by his side.

His breathing was shallow, the smell that he associated with Magnus felt almost offensive right now. And somehow being here made him feel even worse, somehow it was more real than when he was in the Institute, buried in his books.

Magnus was always on his mind, the guilt creeping inside of him always present, reminding him of what a failure he was. But all of that was so much stronger in the loft. He wasn’t sure he could do it. But he promised Catarina. What if there really was something in Magnus’ library that could help him get to Edom?

The bedroom was on the right. Alec could see their huge bed through ajar door. He didn’t dare walking in. But all the memories hit him in the same moment once again.

All those lazy mornings when they didn’t have to go to work and they would stay in bed longer than they should, kissing slowly and giggling between the kisses, being so happy and in love. All the times they would just lie next to each other and talk about their past, getting to know each other better, what they loved, what they hated, learning to trust each other. All the times they would kiss and cuddle and make love. All the moments when Alec was falling deeply for Magnus with every day and there was no limit for his love.

And Alec couldn’t remember what they talked about last time they woke up in their bedroom and it felt like he was betraying Magnus because how could he not remember? How could he get to Edom if he couldn’t even remember one conversation?

He went to the living room and more memories hit him. 

Days when Alec would sit on the couch and read as many books in Magnus’ library as possible while Magnus would work on a translation of yet another ancient text. Days when Magnus would dance around, a drink in his hand and trying to make Alec dance with him. Days when they would just cuddle on the coach and watch trashy TV, laughing about whatever they were watching. In the end it wasn’t important, what truly mattered was that they were spending time together, sharing those small moments that would make them love each other even more.

He found Magnus’ shirt on the armchair. He took it gently into his hands and the smell of Magnus was still so strong. He had to sit down because he didn’t trust his legs anymore.  
He could recognise this smell anywhere in the world, sometimes he would notice it before even finding Magnus in the crowd. It was a smell that used to remind Alec of just how happy he was, now it was a reminder that he couldn't do one single thing, that he couldn't save Magnus. 

Missing Magnus was like missing something vital in his life. He didn’t know when that happened, when Magnus had become such an important part of his life but he didn't want to remember what it felt like before meeting Magnus.

Before he met him, life was all about going on missions and killing demons to protect mundanes. Life almost seemed to be black and white. He was a soldier always ready and waiting for his order, his life was meaningless but he kept on going because saving people was what he was good at. Only when Magnus showed up in his life, he realised that life was about so much more.

Now it wasn’t.

He was crying again, holding the shirt tightly in his hands, leaving wrinkles on it. He couldn’t breathe and he could tell he was getting a panic attack, he was getting them almost every day these days. He tried counting down and slowing his breathing. He went to the kitchen and poured himself a glass of water. He couldn’t calm down, being here was bringing too many memories. Memories he tried to bury deep inside of him because they hurt too much.

He was hyperventilating, lying on the floor, he was getting dizzy. His heart was racing fast and he thought he was about to pass out. His vision was getting blurry and he could only see the shirt that he was still holding in his hands.

He wanted to run away, escape from this nightmare. He needed Magnus.

He was breathing again. He wasn’t sure how long it had been, he wasn’t sure how much time he had lost. He had to pull himself together.

He went into the bathroom to wash his face, hoping that the coldness of water would bring his rational thinking back. He had to focus on his task, go through Magnus’ books. And if he focused too much on Magnus not being here but somewhere in Edom, being tortured by his father, he wasn’t sure he would be able to pick himself up.

He noticed the bottle before he got to the sink. The bottle of Magnus’ shampoo. There was no other like this one, Magnus brewed it himself. It smelt like sandalwood and it was so unique and in a second Alec could almost feel Magnus standing right next to him, wrapping his arms around his waist.

Alec had a bottle of his own back in the Institute, not used for months because he couldn’t bring himself to feel that familiar smell. But despite his better judgement, he took the bottle into his hand and smelt it. 

The rich, woody note filled the air around him. He used to think it was the nicest smell, now it was overwhelming, surrounding and suffocating him. He couldn’t breathe again, it felt like he was punched in the chest and taking a breath was the hardest thing to do.

The tears were falling down again and he didn’t know how to stop them so he just let them run until there was nothing else left. His mind was racing a million miles a minute and all he could think about was Magnus in Edom.

It was already dark outside when he finally managed to calm down with the help from Izzy. He texted her soon after he could feel another panic attack coming. He could always count on his sister and he hated asking for help all the time, but he knew he wouldn’t be able to do any of this on his own.

Now that he was back, he was finally able to go through Magnus’ books. He considered just taking as many as he could back to the Institute and work on them there, being here was too much and he had a chance to experience that in the full sense. However, most of them were very old and shouldn’t be moved. And asking Magnus if he could borrow them was out of the question.

Alec was reading a book about angelic power and its source when his phone brought him back to reality. It was Catarina. He answered immediately.

“Tell me you found something,” he breathed out.

“Well, I have the spell,” she said without much of conviction.

“You do?! Why didn’t you say anything? Wait, you’re just calling me. I’m sorry. When will you be back in New York? We can’t lose more time.”

Catarina didn’t say anything and Alec was getting impatient. What was she waiting for? They had the spell, all they had to do was bring Izzy, Clary and Jace to the loft so Catarina could use their energy. He didn’t want to ask them at first, it wasn’t fair. But the three of them agreed without any hint of hesitation, they all missed Magnus and would do anything to bring him back.

“It won’t be easy,” she finally said.

“I don’t care, I need to bring him back,” he breathed out. “Meet me at the loft, I’ll call for backup.”

***

The excitement was getting the best out of him. It was the first solid chance of getting Magnus back. _There was a chance_. But the voice that was always telling him that it was too late was still there, never leaving his side. It had been three months since Magnus was taken to Edom. Three long months and anything could have happened to him. Alec didn’t know what he would find when he finally got to Edom, but his brain provided him with the darkest scenarios.

He called Izzy and explained to her that Catarina had found the spell and they were ready to do this, they were finally about to try and find Magnus. It was now or never.

Couple of minutes later the portal opened up in the loft and Catarina stepped through it, a heavy book under her arm. And yet she wasn’t excited.

“Why aren’t you happy about this?” he asked. “I thought you wanted to bring Magnus back just as much as I do.”

She sighed and went to the liquor cabinet and prepared a drink for herself. She downed it in one go. This couldn’t be a good sign.

“It’s the most complicated and dangerous spell I have seen in 500 years of my life,” she finally said and dropped on a couch.

Alec didn’t say anything, not wanting to disturb.

“It will require so much of my power, even with the help of your friends, it will be tough. You will have limited time to find Magnus and bring him back,” she poured herself another drink but this time she only took one sip. “If any demon dares to get through, they will have to fight them off so I will be on my own,” she didn’t say that as a complaint, she was merely explaining the situation in a calm voice. “It’s fine, we’ll mange. But-“ and she stopped.

Alec shook his head. He knew it would be dangerous and he was ready to do it, but he didn’t want to risk Catarina’s life, both of his siblings’ or Clary’s. And if any demon got out of Edom to Earth, that would be his fault too. Mundanes’ lives were at risk too.

“Just spill it.”

“Opening the portal will require a lot of your blood, and I mean a lot. You will be very weakened, it will be difficult for you to fight and you will definitely have to fight your way through to get to Magnus,” she explained matter-of-factly.

Alec didn’t care, he’d make it. He had to. He would fight his way through to get to Magnus, even if that could kill him.

“Cat, I love him,” he breathed out. “I will do anything.”

“I know you will,” she said in a sad voice. "I know you will. You're both so alike, always ready to sacrifice yourselves," she added and shook her head.

***

When Izzy, Clary and Jace showed up, Catarina was finishing preparing everything for the spell on the table in Magnus’ apothecary. The heavy book she had brought from Venezuela was open and she was moving her finger while going through the spell itself, making sure everything was ready.

They all stood around the table and Catarina looked at Alec, a silent question in her eyes, making sure he was absolutely ready to do it.

He didn’t say anything, only nodded his head.

Catarina took a knife into her hand and took Alec’s hand into her own. She was shaking just a little bit, probably not wanting to hurt him. All of this was going against everything she believed in, against every fibre in her body. She wanted to help people, not harm them. But that was to the only way to save Magnus, they didn’t have a choice.

She cut his wrist and Alec hissed, he could see his blood dripping into a big bowl that was lying on the table.

Catarina started murmuring the spell in some demonic language that Alec didn’t understand. Izzy, Clary and Alec were right next to her so she could use their energy in however way she needed.

Alec started to feel the loss of his blood, the bowl was now half full.

The portal started opening. It didn’t look like a regular portal that all warlocks were using to get from one place to the other. It was red, the same shade of red that the smoke surrounding Asmoudeus’ portal was.

Cat was visibly struggling, the energy drowning from her just as fast as Alec’s blood was dripping into the bowl. He was getting dizzy.

Izzy, Clary and Catarina were focused now on channelling their energy to go to Catarina. And they were all panting, feeling the loss of their energy as well.

As soon as the bowl was full, the portal opened completely.

“Now, go!” Catarina yelled while trying to keep the portal open. “Think about Magnus,” she added.

Alec wrapped a piece of cloth around his wrist and checked his weapons quickly. His seraph blade was safely in his thigh holster, while the seraph daggers were on the other side. His bow and arrows on his back.

“Magnus, I’m coming,” he whispered and went through the portal.

***

Shadowhunters’ knowledge about dimensions in hell was quite broad, but nothing could prepare him for what he saw. Edom looked almost like Earth, but completely destroyed. It was a barren, burnt out wasteland and yet he could still recognise some of the buildings he knew from New York. A horrible reminder of what Earth could look like if they lost the war with demons. A remider that their job was never finished if they wanted to keep peace.

The demons came at him quickly, attacking him from every direction. The loss of blood was so severe, he couldn't see well. He didn't know where his seraph blade was cutting, but bodies were dropping at his feet. Clearly demons couldn’t dematerialise when they were already in hell. He could feel the bites of demons and their venom slowly spreading through his veins but his stele wouldn't work here. He had to pull through.

He noticed the building where Magnus’ loft was.

“That’s so cruel,” he said to himself, shaking his head in disbelief.

Torturing your son was already bad enough, but doing it in a place that looked like a destroyed version of his own home? A place that Magnus loved so much, that he took a lot of effort to make it his own. 

He was walking in the direction of Magnus’ place. He was tired, so exhausted. The loss of blood and demon venom spreading through his body were making it so hard to take another step, he just wanted to lie down and rest for a minute or two. However, he knew very well that he couldn’t, he was so close, he couldn't give up, not right now, not when Catarina and his friends were out there, doing their best to keep the portal open. And Magnus was almost there. Just couple of more steps and they would come back home. Together.

He opened the door, trying not to make a sound.

“I can smell your angel blood from a mile away,” he heard Asmodeus’ voice. “Come on in, don’t be shy.”

It was now or never.

Alec ran through the place that should be the living room, but was a complete ruin, bricks on the floor, fire burns on the walls. And in the place where there was their favourite couch, Magnus was kneeling, chained to the floor.

He was covered in blood, scars on his arms and legs. He was dirty and his head was down.

Magnus looked up and blinked once. Twice. “Alexander?” His voice was croaked and he didn’t sound like himself at all. “Are you real?”

Alec couldn’t get distracted, he had to defeat Asmodeus first, then he could go to Magnus, make sure that he was okay.

But Magnus was alive. He survived anything that Asmodeus had thrown at him. He was strong, Alec knew that. And he proved it yet again. 

He shot his arrow and then another one, Asmodeus destroyed them with a flick of his wrist. He threw a seraph dagger that went into Asmodeus’ arm. He hissed, while taking it out and throwing it on the floor.

“I don’t have time for this,” he said in a deep voice. “I will enjoy killing you. I can’t say I had the pleasure of killing a Nephilim in my kingdom before,” he smirked.

And with that, a ball of magic was thrown in Alec’s direction. Alec managed to mostly avoid it but it did went through his leather jacket, reaching the arm that Asmodeus’ had broken months ago. 

Alec fell down on the floor and screamed in pain. It shouldn’t have hurt, at least not as much since magic barely touched him, but the pain in the arm was unbearable.

Asmodeus chuckled. With a snap of his finger his seraph blade left his thigh holster and he couldn’t see it anymore, he was being choked yet again. Oxygen not getting into his brain and he was starting to get delirious, his body finally shutting down.

He failed. He came to save Magnus and he was about to be killed right in front of his eyes.

“No more,” he heard Magnus saying quietly. “I said, no more!” he yelled this time and stood up.

The chains rattled. A strong force filled the room, the warm energy that Alec associated with Magnus’ magic. But it was something more than that, it didn’t feel like his Magnus. It was much stronger and darker, filling not only the room but also Alec’s soul. He couldn’t explain it, but he had a feeling that something was very wrong. Alec had a feeling that there was too much influence in Magnus' actions.

Asmodeus dropped Alec on the floor. He was coughing, trying to catch his breath.

“Finally,” Asmodeus said with a smirk. “You’re using my magic. Well done, son.”

“That’s enough,” Magnus was furious. That kind of anger that Alec had never seen before in the time he got to know Magnus. The fear was creeping under his skin, he was afraid of what Magnus might do. He didn't care about Asmodeus in the slightest, but he was afraid of what it would do to Magnus.

This time Magnus and Asmodeus fought as equals, attack followed by an attack. Alec wanted to help but the magic surrounding them was so strong, he couldn’t get close enough. He couldn’t find the seraph blade either.

The dark magic coming from both the father and the son was taking him piece by piece, slowly killing him, he could feel it. Magic and demon venom taking the place of his angel blood that was now boiling inside of him. And Alec had never felt that much pain in his life, he didn’t make a sound, though. Magnus needed to be focused if he wanted to defeat his father, Alec would only be a distraction.

A series of shots of magic were sent into Asmodeus’ direction, making him finally hit the floor, having troubles with moving. He was bleeding severely, black blood staining the ruined floor of what could have been Magnus’ loft in this dimension.

Finally Alec looked at Magnus, his cat eyes showed up, but they looked more like the ones that Asmodeus had, not his real ones. Alec could see how darkness was filling Magnus up, making him almost forget who he really was. The hatred for his father, all this pain, was taking over.

“Magnus, stop!” he yelled. He felt that if Magnus used Asmodeus’ magic one more time, he would turn into his father. He couldn’t know if that was the truth, but Magnus didn’t seem like Magnus anymore. His demon side was full on display now, making him look so much like the Prince of Hell. “Please, come back to me,” he begged.

Magnus was breathing hard, his chest moving visibly and the magic was almost pulsating out of his body. He was struggling with controlling it, but Alec’s words were getting through to him, he knew it. He had to believe it.

Asmodeus didn’t make a single move, waiting for what his son would do.

“Magnus,” Alec came closer, reaching with his hand, and he could feel the pain in his veins growing stronger. “You’re not like him. You’re not your father. You’re a good person who helps people, who cares about people. You suffered enough because of him, don’t give him the satisfaction. He wants you to do it,” Alec’s voice broke down, the pain getting almost unbearable. “You don’t have to use that demonic magic to kill him.”

Magnus took a deep breath. When he opened his eyes, they looked like his real cat eyes again. Alec fell down on his knees when the pain was slowly leaving his body, still not completely, demon venom still very present in his body.

“You’re right,” Magnus said looking at him. “I love you, Alexander.”

He took the seraph blade that was lying on the floor. The blade lit up for him but it wasn’t the colour that usually showed up when a Shadowhunter yielded the weapon. Alec had never seen a seraph blade in red. And yet here it was, Magnus holding his seraph blade and moving it with such precision.

“You’ve ruined my life,” the blade went through Asmodeus’ body, a shallow breath leaving his mouth, “you’ve tortured me for centuries,” Magnus cut him again, “you’ve tried to turn me into you,” another cut, “you’ve tried to kill the love of my life,” another cut, “never again,” the blade was going in and out of the lifeless body of his father.

Alec stood up and wrapped his arms around Magnus from behind. Magnus jumped when he felt the touch. “You’re okay, you can stop, he’s gone, I promise,” Alec said loudly enough so Magnus would definitely hear him.

Magnus almost fell to his knees. “I’ve got you,” Alec whispered and with the last sliver of his strength he helped Magnus to stand straight. 

Magnus was crying in his arms. “You came for me, you saved me.” The tears were running down his cheeks.

“You saved yourself,” Alec said and hugged him, not too hard so he wouldn’t hurt him even more than he already was. “Now I’m going to take you home, everyone missed you. I’ve missed you.”

Magnus smiled his beautiful smile and winced when there was too much pressure on his broken rib. “I didn’t think I’d ever see you again,” he whispered, touching Alec’s face as if he had to check that Alec was definitely real.

“I’d find you at the end of the world. I’m sorry it took me so long.”

“Don’t apologise, you’re here.” 

They were both crying and limping their way to the portal, they fought their way through the demons that tried to attack them. They were scattered all over the place, sensing the death of their ruler. But Magnus and Alec didn't have time to deal with all of them, they just had to go home.

Finally they stepped through the portal and it closed as soon as they dropped to the floor in Magnus’ apothecary. 

Alec could see Catarina dropping on a chair, clearly exhausted because she had used so much of her magic. Izzy and Clary were checking on her, Jace right by their side.

“You’re home, you’re safe.” They were both on their knees, hugging each other tightly, wincing at the pain in both of their bodies. Magnus buried his face in the crook of Alec’s neck. “I will never let anything happen to you ever again,” Alec promised. "I love you so much."


End file.
